going to hypnotherapy! gulp.

I've never tried it. so theres one reason to do it.
also I'm curious to see just how deep the canon of messed-up-ness in my brain runs
and it might just help so...ME GOINA HYPNOTHERAPY BABY!!

I'm a bit nervous because I'm not good at the whole relaxing family of behaviors. It'll probably go something like this

Hypnotherapist: "reeelaaax"

me: "omg imsogladtobehere how are you? what a comfortable seat *bouncing on seat* so should i take a deep breath? those never work for me. ok deep breath. there we go. oh it didnt work! that means theres something wrong with me right? no? why cant i calm down??"

Hypnotherapist: "ahem"

this should be interesting.

thought blocking

MILESTONE!!!

I used some thought blocking today! It went something like this.

　

Well, ok not like that exactly. More like this.

OMG YOUR EAR IS RINGING. There’s something really bad that is a symptom of. I just cant remember. It should be online though.

NO you stupid hypochondriasis idiot. Your falling into The Trap. Don’t check it up.

But knowledge is power - don’t you at least want to be informed about how your going to die?

Ignorance is bliss and you’re not dying. Well, at least accept that there’s a possibility you might not be.

Huh? Since when do you think in quotes?

Moving on.

So in conclusion it is ok that your ears ringing. If it means your ill that’s not something you have to deal with right this minute. So just relax.

　


Oh I’m so going to need intensive therapy even if I do get through this.


Techniques used:
Thought blocking
Distraction
self talk

Acceptance of imperfection of health

i am hereby humbly admitting

I am hereby humbly admitting that as of today, Wednesday, March 21, I am very much alive and in optimal health despite all odds.

I'm going to designate this post for charting my health so that i can remind myself that, so far, I am ok. I don't know if it will help me yet (ill keep you posted) but it's a good bet i think.  I'm going to do all it takes and fight this hypo to its glorious demise! I'm not letting myself get complacent about living with hypochondria. If anyone chooses to join me in this earth shattering, mars exploding, Saturn loosing its ring effort, please share your story in the comments below. lots of love to all my readers!

DATE	Generally FEELING FINE?	DIAGNOSED PHYSICAL PROBLEM?	DIAGNOSED MENTAL PROBLEM?	TODAY'S FEARS
March 22	yes	no	no	cavity OCD
March 23	yes	no	no	hernia
March 24	yes	no	no	tinnitus
March 25	yes	no	no	social phobia disorder
March 26	yes	no	no	muscle spasm? bed-bug-bite
March 27	exausted	no	no	fatigue dehydration
March 28	yes	no	no	fatigue there was another one but I forgot. weird.
March 30	yes	no	no	DVT OA
April 1	yes	no	no	strept
April 3	yes	no	no	avoidant personality disorder
April 5	yes	no	no	RA
April 6	yes	no	no	parkinson's

　

positive thinking

“My eyes keep wandering to the side”

Google translate English to Hypochondria…

“Long, slow, painful death from multiple sclerosis, of coarse”

 

And now for healthy recovery efforts

Other things it could mean:

1. I need some sleep pronto

2. I’ve been starting at the computer for too long

3. There’s some unearthly being in the room trying to get my attention.

4. Sometimes eyes just wander

This is good practice! I should do this more often. I'm still not convinced but I went from about 70% sure to aobut 60%. So all you math wizzes, thats a definite improvement dont you think?

Hey doc

I don’t know. I reeeally don’t know why I decided to write a poem. I'm not a poem person. But I suppose stranger things have happened.

For those of you who enjoy active reading, here's a challenge for you: guess which two symptoms in the poem where my actual fears today!

Hey doc

I got a lump, no it’s a bump, well it’s a definite dot

Hey doc, how long do you think I’ve got?

I blink too many times and I’ve got bad breath

Which I know can sometimes lead to an early death.

Hey doc, I know you’re busy

And I know you’ve retired

But I’m really feeling dizzy

And unusually tired.

My finger itches real bad

I think I have psoriasis

I’m also feeling kinda sad

Hey doc, what’s my diagnosis?

I’m feeling sort of shaky

And my eyelids looking flaky

It’s a bit tender ‘round my spleen

Hey doc, what does this all mean?

I’m not making this up

Hey doc, there’s no need to sigh

The symptoms are real,

why on earth would I lie.

　

　

Answer: My leg was itchy, and I did think I might have psoroiais, but that was just a passing thought. My real, almost debilitating fear, was that my shaky feeling was a sign of either early-onset parkinson's (ok very early-onset) or bipolar - manic. And so goes another day in the life of a hypochondriac. If you guessed them both right, this award is for you

Congratulations!! Please keep your speeches short.
　

Your just crazy. Deal with it.

Thought provoking question of the day: how can something as innocent as a cycle be vicious?

Well ladies and gents, let me present you with the ‘Lauren cycle of insanity’®

First of all, did you know how many things could be an indicative of a mental illness? Apparently, doing anything different than how you usually do it (sleeping habits, eating habits), thinking repetitive thoughts, thinking unrealistic thoughts, worrying too much or too little, being unusually sad or unusually happy…basically it’s a breeding ground for hypochondria is what I’m saying.

So this is the deep dark hole I dug for myself this morning:

Me thinks I’m taking driving myself insane to new levels here.

innntroooo, peeoplllle!!!

I promised, and I like to keep my promises

By the way hi! how are you? I genuinely thank you for reading this. It'll make me feel like I’m no longer alone in my messed up head. 


The first time I remember being afraid I would die of an illness was at 14. I was so convinced I had cancer that I started to shake from fear. I was shaking so hard, I had to lie down, and even then my body was literally bouncing on the bed. It must have looked like I was having a seizure. Since then I have diagnosed myself with a record breaking number of illnesses. In fact, if there was some sort of contest I feel like I’d win gold for originality and frequency of my diagnoses.




I first heard of the word hypochondria at about 15 when I was reading the DSM (hypochondriacs have weird reading habits) by the time I got to 'H' I had already decided I had at least two different mental illnesses. and then HEY!! Turns out there’s an illness for people who think they have other illnesses! But there’s a catch. If I decided I had that, then I was still self diagnosing. was that counted as part of my hypo? hmm

For years, I remembered reading that page in the DSM, but just like the info there predicted, even though I kind of knew I had the illness (is it an illness?) it didn’t stop my determined self-destructive brain. But it was still under control. every once in a while I would get really scared and tell a friend just to hear them make fun of me so I can inject some rational into the fear. and I learned to (the hard way!) stop reading self diagnosing books.

But then, oh what was I thinking?! I decided to go for occupational therapy masters. *note to the wise, address your hypo before entering a medical profession*

In my first medical conditions class, every few conditions my professor mentioned I thougt 'Hey I think I have that!'

But then something else started happening. wed be talking about arthritis in school and the next morning I would wake up with intense shoulder pain. We’d talk about crepitus and my joints started to make crackling noises. It was time to go for help.

But of course I didn’t.


Its been a year and a half in grad school and what do you know! This semester were focusing on mental health. Oh yay. Sorry did I not sound enthused? see mental health is so vague its really not much of a stretch for my mind to firmly decide I’m developing every condition I’m learning about. The frequency and force of my fear became such that I honestly could no longer ignore it.




Hence, tada…this blog!

Thanx for reading this and good luck with your own journey of fighting the hypo.